Posts Tagged ‘Food Puns’

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Cartoon Hell #12 – “Short’nin’ Bread”

January 23, 2009

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

Deeeeeeeelicious!

Deeeeeeeelicious!

Continuing the food theme, today’s film is “Short’nin’ [sic] Bread”, a case in point that if you’re using an apostrophe and it’s neither a possessive or a contraction, you’re probably being an asshole. For the sake of full disclosure before we even go into this, I must admit to being a Caucasian male raised by other caucasians. I also must admit to hating dialect writing in all forms. Whew, okay, I feel better now.

To prepare for the grueling task ahead, I did some research on what this mysterious short’nin’ [sic] bread consists of. It really changed my preconceptions about the classic song. I would have imagined short’nin’ [sic] bread would be a loaf of Crisco shortening baked golden brown, but no, the recipe is best summed up like so:

Flour + Brown Sugar + Butter + Heat = SHORT’NIN’ [sic] BREAD!!!!

I gather it’s essentially what you make when you lack the ingredients for food someone might actually want.

Hey, a jokey sign, like in a strip mall.

Hey, a jokey sign, like in a strip mall.

The exterior of Ye Bake Shoppe has the slogan, “MORE DOUGH FOR YOUR MONEY”, and I automatically know what slippery slope we’re headed down. This is going to be another cartoon about anthropomorphic food acting out stupid puns. I just did one of these, damn it.

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Cartoon Hell #11 – “The Fresh Vegetable Mystery”

January 21, 2009

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

Something we can all relate to.

Something we can all relate to.

Some faint hope existed that “The Fresh Vegetable Mystery” wouldn’t consist of vegetables acting out human scenarios and making wretched puns the entire time. Foolish, foolish me. Every director seems to try their hand at the ol’ talking groceries conceit sooner or later. Being an appreciator of cartoons, I’ve seen a fair share, and moments into this film, I found myself saying, “Yes, it’s going to be one of those.”

Do you like vegetable puns? Because this is going to be full of them. And my hatred inspires me to spread it to whoever comes in contact with me. Puns exist to bother others. Try working as many puns into your day as possible and see if a coworker or a loved one doesn’t attempt to stab you.

I’m going to actively highlight every single pun in this damn thing.

All these vegetables will die by your hands.

All these vegetables will die by your hands.

A mother pea zips up her baby peas in their pod, and nearby an onion can’t stand another onion’s bad breath. Because, you see, they’re onions. Nearby a mother carrot wraps the baby carrots under a lettuce leaf in a 14 karat bowl, and as the weight of the terrible play on words hits me head on I feel like I’m looking down a dark, bottomless well calling out to me softly. That’s the moment when the irish potato cop walks out of the potato sack precinct, walks across to a root beer case bar and gets a drink.

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