Archive for January, 2009

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Cartoon Hell #13 – “Once Upon A Time”

January 31, 2009

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

A genius move, the title original but instantly relatable.

A genius move, the title original but instantly relatable.

The name, “Audio Productions Inc.” inspires about as much confidence as a grocery store with the monicker, “Food N’ Shit”. Cartoons and fairy tales only avoid coming up crap when it’s outright parody or came from Disney when the founder still called the shots. “Once Upon A Time”, a generic title released from a studio with a generic title does not have either safeguards, making it an appropriately unlucky 13th entry for this series.

Whoever could these people be?

Whoever could these people be?

We’re dealing with a fairly tale metaverse in which all characters of various stories interact on a daily basis. As the picture indicates, you can’t tell who the hell most of them are without labeling. Humpty Dumpty is identifiable only because he’s one of the only eggs I can think of in fables.

And of course there’s a terrible song. More of these songs have lyrics that I don’t bother to repeat, since they’re quite often garbled, warbling messes with all the grain and hiccups of your great grandmother’s phonograph collection.

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Cartoon Hell #12 – “Short’nin’ Bread”

January 23, 2009

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

Deeeeeeeelicious!

Deeeeeeeelicious!

Continuing the food theme, today’s film is “Short’nin’ [sic] Bread”, a case in point that if you’re using an apostrophe and it’s neither a possessive or a contraction, you’re probably being an asshole. For the sake of full disclosure before we even go into this, I must admit to being a Caucasian male raised by other caucasians. I also must admit to hating dialect writing in all forms. Whew, okay, I feel better now.

To prepare for the grueling task ahead, I did some research on what this mysterious short’nin’ [sic] bread consists of. It really changed my preconceptions about the classic song. I would have imagined short’nin’ [sic] bread would be a loaf of Crisco shortening baked golden brown, but no, the recipe is best summed up like so:

Flour + Brown Sugar + Butter + Heat = SHORT’NIN’ [sic] BREAD!!!!

I gather it’s essentially what you make when you lack the ingredients for food someone might actually want.

Hey, a jokey sign, like in a strip mall.

Hey, a jokey sign, like in a strip mall.

The exterior of Ye Bake Shoppe has the slogan, “MORE DOUGH FOR YOUR MONEY”, and I automatically know what slippery slope we’re headed down. This is going to be another cartoon about anthropomorphic food acting out stupid puns. I just did one of these, damn it.

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Cartoon Hell #11 – “The Fresh Vegetable Mystery”

January 21, 2009

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

Something we can all relate to.

Something we can all relate to.

Some faint hope existed that “The Fresh Vegetable Mystery” wouldn’t consist of vegetables acting out human scenarios and making wretched puns the entire time. Foolish, foolish me. Every director seems to try their hand at the ol’ talking groceries conceit sooner or later. Being an appreciator of cartoons, I’ve seen a fair share, and moments into this film, I found myself saying, “Yes, it’s going to be one of those.”

Do you like vegetable puns? Because this is going to be full of them. And my hatred inspires me to spread it to whoever comes in contact with me. Puns exist to bother others. Try working as many puns into your day as possible and see if a coworker or a loved one doesn’t attempt to stab you.

I’m going to actively highlight every single pun in this damn thing.

All these vegetables will die by your hands.

All these vegetables will die by your hands.

A mother pea zips up her baby peas in their pod, and nearby an onion can’t stand another onion’s bad breath. Because, you see, they’re onions. Nearby a mother carrot wraps the baby carrots under a lettuce leaf in a 14 karat bowl, and as the weight of the terrible play on words hits me head on I feel like I’m looking down a dark, bottomless well calling out to me softly. That’s the moment when the irish potato cop walks out of the potato sack precinct, walks across to a root beer case bar and gets a drink.

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Cartoon Hell #10 – “Betty Boop with Henry The Funniest Living American”

January 15, 2009

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

This seems promising.

This seems promising.

“The Funniest Living American” is a title only given out of mean-spirited irony. There’s not a damn thing funny about the star of this cartoon. Betty Boop never conjured up images of non-stop laughter in the first place, so I wasn’t expecting much, but I certainly didn’t expect this.

This child is sadness.

This child is sadness.

Our blithering, dough-headed protagonist walks down the street idly and sees a dog in the window.   He  proceeds to do nothing funny. The two develop an instant bond and Henry encourages the dog to jump through the glass into his waiting arms. After the dog hits its head on the glass, it occurs to them both that some sort of force prevents them from immediately becoming best friends forever. At this point I begin wondering if Henry is mentally handicapped. Kids who can’t even walk usually comprehend the presence and purpose of glass.

Henry walks into the pet store and beholds the following:

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Cartoon Hell #9 – “The Story of Time”

January 11, 2009

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

I've watched this, and the skull still doesn't make sense.

I've watched this, and the skull still doesn't make sense.

“The Story of Time” is another entry in the “150 Classic Cartoons” that I don’t really understand. I entered into this short unsure of what to expect. According to IMDB this particular work was nominated for an Academy Award back in 1951, the year the FDA finally made Gerber take arsenic out of baby food, polio wiped out the thriving utopia historians call “The Lost Wyoming”, and Russia finally freed their feudal serfs. At best this will be genuinely watchable, at worst it will be pretentuous in the least enjoyable way, much like a certain entry about snails that shall remain nameless.

The text about this adventure being underwritten by Rolex troubled me somehow. Did Rolex take one disastrous bender into the world of animation and find it unlivable? I’ve watched a lot of crappy cartoons and I’ve never seen their name pop up before.

Then there’s the following text, which scrolls across the screen Star Wars style:

Before recorded history man found he could divide the movements of the sun’s shadows into hours and minutes. In his constant search for greater accuracy, sun, fire, water and sand were primitive steps towards the mechanical perfection of the modern wrist-chronometer. This film is a symbolic story of man’s progress in time measurement.

Wrist-chronometer? Wait a damn minute, is this whole production just a really long watch advertisement? I didn’t expect underwriting to mean they essentially bought an ad for overpriced wrist watches. Granted, at this point it’s still possible that the creator of this film made the statement innocently, but I’m dubious.

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Cartoon Hell #8 – “Spinning Mice”

January 2, 2009

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

As Mice Are Known to Do

As Mice Are Known to Do

This week’s cartoon, “Spinning Mice”, is presented by Walter O. Gutlohn. The name Gutlohn is oddly upsetting, like an unusual disorder where the bowels get twisted up and herniated. I suspect we’ll see more of Mr. Gutlohn and the Gutlohn Consortium, as I have a sneaking suspicion he played a hand in the terrible cartoon “Along Came A Duck”, which I reviewed in a previous entry.

I imagine a nefarious individual like Gutlohn switched ownership and titles to dodge the law many times in order to make as many bad cartoons as possible. My first clue that the two cartoons are connected comes in the form of the live action segment featuring a kid who looks strangely familiar.

Strut You Creepy Weirdo, STRUT!

Strut You Creepy Weirdo, STRUT!

I’ll be damned if that isn’t the kid who yells at the frog at the beginning of “Along Came a Duck”, he even has the same inability to say anything that makes a damn bit of sense. The boy appears like a perverted specter of darkness through blood red curtains wielding a terrifying box of mystery and a lecherous grin no boy should have. The over-ripe technicolor effect lends everything an overly-bright, circus quality.

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