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Cartoon Hell #7 – “Goofy Goat Antics”

December 26, 2008

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

 

Is In No Way Porn

Is In No Way Porn

Goofy Goat was one of many black blob competitors trying to get a piece of the sweet, sweet Mickey Mouse action in the early days of cartoons. Everyone fought to see which generic dark mass with an animal accessory would usurp his mousy throne and sweep the nation.

This short left me with the question of, “Really, what other kind of goat antics are there?” Often times my Grandmother would regale me with stories of the sensible, subdued goat antics they had back in the depression, making this lurid tale all the more saucy. People often went to the theaters in those days looking for an escape from what some termed “mundane goat antics”.

 

He's Laughing At You, Not With You

He's Laughing At You, Not With You

We enter this strange world to find a goat driving a car. Yes, you heard right, a goat, and a goat in a car no less! What goofy antics we see already! The goat pokes his head out the window of his hideously backfiring car and gives the audience an extremely load BAH. I guess this might have been included to confirm that he is in fact a goat, and not a crude depiction of Satan. The car is of course bouncing and sputtering to the rhythm, since, as we’ve established by now, everything in black and white cartoons must bounce to the music.

 

Class Warfare

Class Warfare

The next we see a full screen shot of a gigantic ass, which belongs to a bouncing pig blocking the goofy goat’s tiny automobile. This upper class pig woman contends with an ass so prodigious it bent her car’s back end into a permanent pair of butt cheeks, similar to the hanging testicles seen on many Ford F150s. The goofy goat calls her a road hog, and I realize I’m observing one of the first actual puns since starting Cartoon Hell.

 

Inappropriate At Any Speed!

Inappropriate At Any Speed!

When stopped by a cop, goofy goat takes the opportunity to sneak around her, and lifts one wheel of the car so it can properly release gas in the face of the snooty rich pig. The audio on this is pretty bad, but I think the pig’s response was to say “Damn!” under her breath.

Goofy goat arrives at the glee club and I realize I have no clue what a glee club actually does. I’m not sure anyone under the age of 30 attends glee club, knows where one is located, or even answer with certainty whether or not such a club qualifies as terrorist organization.

 

It's His "Special" Rag

It's His "Special" Rag

Overwhelmed by excitement, he can’t seem to remember how to get out of his car. From my point of view I can see several doors, but he gets so frustrated he turns the car inside out, and somehow it becomes a handkerchief, which he then neatly tucks into… somewhere? Until that moment I thought he was naked except for the Mickey Mouse shoes.

He enters the glee club, and everyone yells, “Goofy!”, indicating his position as titular characters, and disturbing me with the implication that these antics aren’t required to be goofy at all under that basis. He strikes a pose like a victorious boxer, takes two steps, and trips. The concussion gives him not three birds, but one sickly looking specimen. Back in those days most people were lucky if they could afford a bird at all!

The snooty pig dowager arrives at the same glee club and steps out of the car revealing that she made up the entire back half of the car. I think America should work on adapting real working prototypes of these cars, because let’s face it, our asses aren’t getting any smaller.

Goofy leads the entire room in a rousing song, because according to Wikipedia glee clubs are a sort of college choir.

A monkey pulls Goofy of the stage with his amazing tale, and the curtain rises to show three little kittens singing and dancing with their mother playing the piano.

 

Scream Like Someone Called Social Services!

Scream Like Someone Called Social Services!

You’d better believe they lost their mittens and when their mother hears this, she completely loses her god-damn mind. I’m not sure if cats typically eat their young, but this one looks like she’s about to. She also tells them they won’t have any pie in a deep man-voice, somehow adding to the fear. Imagine James Earl Jones in full Vader mode telling you that you won’t be having dessert tonight, and you’ve got the idea.

The female equivalent of Goofy hit the stage with her piano and begins playing a sassy ragtime tune, but after a few bars Goofy’s head pops out of the piano. Her response is not to advise him to get off the stage and stop stealing the limelight, but instead to play as hard as possible, crushing Goofy’s internal organs.

Her force is so mighty that the piano explodes, and Goofy rises from the ashes wielding a harp, because I guess that’s just one of those things you carry around with you when you’re in a glee club.

The two goats are about to have what I can only assume would have been a hoedown when two dogs with bag pipes interrupt them with their warbling melodies. Like most cartoon characters in the 30’s, Goofy despises the Scottish, who steal their jobs and take their white women.

 

You've Never Heard The Expression, "Play It Like a Pig's Ass"?

You've Never Heard The Expression, "Play It Like a Pig's Ass"?

He uses the harp as a bow, and an umbrella as an arrow, and successfully pops both bagpipes as well as startling two pigs who were sitting nearby. The pigs jump into the player’s hands, and they continue playing the pigs like they were bagpipes. Playing a pig like a bagpipe appears to involve blowing into their anuses, and the pigs seem unreasonably happy about it. After a few moments of this, both players collapse into a giant spinning record. I don’t get the symbolism, and neither do you.

Goofy Goat celebrates the sight of man on pig love by going into a savage accordion breakdown, and when he strokes the full length of the accordion, it gives out a evil cackle and proceeds to run away from him.

In the ensuing chaos, the accordion collapses into three smaller accordions that then do a short song before swallowing each other back into a normal accordion that Goofy Goat then enchants by again removing his horn and playing a exotic song of the east.

 

Choked Out....

Choked Out....

 

Then Ruthlessly Spanked, Or What Goofy Calls a Normal Friday

Then Ruthlessly Spanked, Or What Goofy Calls a Normal Friday

There’s a lot of time devoted to Goofy’s accordion related shenanigans, including them dancing with each other, fighting each other, and culminating in the accordion getting choked out and spanked. Hot, hot accordion on goat action for what feels like hours. Yes, accordions have asses, as do sousaphones, cellos, and Les Paul guitars. I can hear the director saying, “Accordion gags, I gots a million of em!” And guess what? All terrible.

In running away, Goofy finds himself trapped between a Pelican and Accordion, two things depression era American feared above all else.

 

A Haunting and Provocative Image

A Haunting and Provocative Image

Somehow Goofy manages to get the Pelican to swallow the accordion, and he then rides it, encouraging his best lady to join him on this magical adventure.

After the two fall off a cliff that somehow exists on the edge of the stage, the accordion manages to turn the pelican into a parachute, and the two goats land safely at the shore of a body of water that seems to exist underneath the stage of the glee club. Now secure, they give a tender embrace, and the curtain is lowered, revealing that at long last it is the end.

I must point out that nowhere in this do they resolve the comic set up of the uptight pig. Clearly the pig was about to storm in, but apparently the director didn’t have time to wrap up all the loose ends after 5 minutes of accordion grab-ass.

UNPC Moment:

No matter how much they scream, no matter how much they cry, no matter how much they fight you and chase you around the stage, never spank an accordion!

Rating: Nearly Unwatchable

Old black and white Mickey Mouse rip offs are so stream of consciousness based it’s like listening to a friend describe a really boring dream for 10 minutes straight. Combined with “Les Escargots”, this crap actually put me off the project for a while.

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