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Cartoon Hell #5 – “Let’s Sing With Popeye”

January 23, 2008

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

Let’s not…

Being the neurotic I am, I couldn’t help but realize that 150 cartoons presents some odd organizational challenges. Unfortunately this epiphany resulted in my scanning through 150 by-in-large awful looking cartoons cataloging their title, disc location, and star.

There were two annoying things I discovered overall:

  1. There’s a metric ass-load of Popeye cartoons on this damn thing.

  2. There’s roughly half a metric ass-load of Betty Boop related shorts.

So in order for this to not devolve into the Betty Boop and Popeye comedy hour, I’m going to do a Betty Boop or Popeye cartoon on every multiple of five. You have been warned.

Popeye appears to be trapped in an awful afterlife the Greek’s like to torture the sadistically violent with. In his eternal torment, he’s also forced to rescue a stupid baby or an equally stupid 50 pound woman from a 400 pound bearded rapist every day. Occasionally, when this grows boring, he’s harassed by nephews that appear to be a shameless rip off of Donald Duck’s next of kin.

If my review seems a bit heavy on the details, it’s because I feel like I can take my time. And you know why? It’s because “Let’s Sing With Popeye” clocks in at under 2 minutes! This tiny little clip qualifies as one of the 150 shorts touted in the title. There are hundreds of old Popeye cartoons, as well as thousands of crappy full length cartoons they could have acquired instead of this music video for Popeye’s shitty anthem.

It’s also the first Popeye cartoon on the collection, so for some trailer-damned Wal-Mart orphan this is going to be their introduction to the grizzled, seafaring bastard. A part of me thinks that’s fitting, but I also think it leaves them ignorant of the terrible content to come.

We begin with Popey strutting along the deck advising you that he is indeed Popeye the Sailor Man. Much like a Top 10 Hip Hop artist, he has to regularly remind you in song who he is lest you bitches forget.

All will be punched!

While singing, Popeye struts up to an anchor and punches it into fish hooks. Clearly he doesn’t think the ship will ever need to come to a stop or remain stationary. I imagine someone else had to inform the captain that there would now be a need to string together several thousand hooks if they ever want to get off the ship.

I have made time my wife!

On his insane singing rampage, Popeye then tears the clock out of the wall. Yep, for no reason he just rips the ship’s very fancy timepiece straight off the boards.

Dance with me clocks!

When you’re a hammer, you start to see every problem as a nail. He punches the clock into a set of smaller clocks. I don’t know if he was trying to redistribute the clock wealth on board, or if he was just being a cock, but he definitely succeeded at one of these goals.

I can’t imagine how badly that’s racking his groin.

Popeye hoists up his manly girdle, now secure in his masculinity after punching a clock like a drunken husband whose dinner was “too god damn spicy” and struts along the desk, secure in the knowledge that everyone gets a clock and no one can leave.

Top pole punching action.

Here’s where his behavior becomes a liability. Popeye lifts up the ships mast, and makes the ship more efficient by installing several new navigation and weather devices that will better aid the crew in their travels through the Pacific. No, wait, nevermind, he just punches it.

He should not be this proud of what he’s done.

And does he punch the mast into a raft, so that the crew might escape the doomed vessel? No, he punches the mast into a collection of clothespins, most likely so the crew will have a place to hang their newly washed garments to dry. You know where a swell place would be to put a clothesline? THE FUCKING MAST!

Sing along children, sing along or the ball will hurt you.

To celebrate his victory over sanity, Popeye commands that we sing along with the evil voice that his schizophrenia has convinced him lives in the base of his cortex feasting on his dreams and commanding him to punch anything useful into something less useful. If Popeye came up to you right now, he’d punch your computer into a pile of Amazon Kindle E-Readers. And, lucky you, the aforementioned demon is represented by a bouncing ball hopping over lyrics.

Now since I know you’re just dying to finally see the full lyrics as they were originally presented I have included them below in bold with my helpful translations beneath each line for those who may not understand the dialect or the historical context.

I’m Pop-Eye the Sail-or Man (Toot)

I am Popeye, a person who navigates water-borne vessels or assists in their operation, maintenance, or service. (Pipe Discharge)

I’m Pop-Eye the Sail-or Man (Toot)

To reiterate, I am Popeye, a person who navigates water-borne vessels or assists in their operation, maintenance, or service. (Pipe Discharge)

I yam wot I yam

I am unchanging, like a god.

And that’s all wot I yam

Do not question me.

I’m Pop-Eye the Sail-or Man

Lest you forget, I am Popeye, a person who navigates water-borne vessels or assists in their operation, maintenance, or service.

I’m one tough Ga-zoo-kus

I am an extremely stubborn alcoholic.

Wot hates all Pa-loo-kas

I hate the Polish.

Wot ain’t on the ups and square

They’re stealing our jobs.

Boy! I biffs ’em and buffs ’em

I beat them to death.

And al-ways out-roughs ’em

They stand utterly no chance against my horrifying assault.

But none of ’em gets no-where

They die pleading for their lives, and those of their children, whom I eat.

Now, if an-y one dasses to risk my “fisk”

Now, if anyone touches my bindle, I will stab them with a broken bottle.

It’s “Boff” and it’s “Wham” un-der-stan?

I will beat them to death.

So, keep good be-hav-or

I like my quiet.

It’s your one life-sav-er

This information may one day stop me from killing you.

With Pop-Eye the Sail-or Man

With Popeye, a person who navigates water-borne vessels or assists in their operation, maintenance, or service.

Oh! I’m Pop-Eye the Sail-or Man (Toot)

Oh, I’m Popeye, a person who navigates water-borne vessels or assists in their operation, maintenance, or service. My throat is very soar from singing this song, and I will soon seek the comfort of a loose woman and a bottle of liquor cheap enough and strong enough to poison a hobo.

I’m Pop-Eye the Sail-or Man (Toot)

I would hope by now you would not need me to reiterate who I am. This is unwise. (Pipe Discharge)

I’m strong to the “finich”

I am a native of Finland.

‘Cause I eats me “SPINACH”

Spinach’s contributions to high iron and calcium levels are wildly overstated.

I’m Pop-Eye the Sail-or Man (Toot Toot)

The song is complete. Go about your business.

All sailors feared the cold kiss of Anus Lips.

Somehow, while we were watching the bouncing ball, something horrible happened to Popeye, because he looks like he’s been beaten with bats and detonated with some sort of plastic charge. Being Popeye, this would just anger him.

At the end of this cartoon, no one should have to ask: “Hey, who was that guy?”

UNPC Moment:

This one was relatively harmless in that regard, unless you consider Popeye a stereotype, and by this point I’m not sure what he’s a stereotype of.

Rating: Nearly Unwatchable

I imagine that in some vault there’s a 30 minutes extended cut of this cartoon that Max Fleischer used to torture his enemies. I’m assuming it was a promotional tool meant to gets kids to memorize the theme song, but including it on a collection where quantity is a selling point seems pretty unkind.

Congratulations, you just spent god only knows how many minutes reading my description of 116 seconds of media. We should both be proud.

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4 comments

  1. And people are concerned about violence in the media? Sheesh, it’s practically an American tradition, these days a cartoon is more likely to cast someone that eats strange substances and beats the hell out of things as the villain. What a weird way to get kids to eat spinach. You too can turn into a mindless destructive unintelligible old man.


  2. This short wasn’t meant to be a real cartoon, but rather something to place on there, perhaps for a kiddie matinee or whatever purpose as a way to get the audience together to sing the song. The Fleischers’ were famous for their “Screen Songs” at the time for the use of a bouncing ball that bounced on the words corresponding to the notes in the song. Many Screen Songs had been made prior to this film, though for this one, it’s obvious they didn’t do too much other than re-editing parts of their first cartoon, “Popeye The Sailor”, and stuck in the song and lyrics in place for the last half of it.


  3. The voice in this cartoon was by William Arnold Costello. He was fired early on.


  4. This is the best description of a Popeye cartoon ever.



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