Cartoon Hell #26 – “Toby the Pup In The Museum”

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

I think they forgot to finish this title card.

The first Bugs Bunny cartoon did not start with a title card proclaiming that he was the star. This would come later, of course, but a cartoon featuring an unestablished character probably shouldn’t start with such unearned familiarity. At best the title of this cartoon should be, “In the Museum” with a smaller bit of print at the bottom stating that it features one Toby the Pup. You, Toby, are no Popeye the sailor. You’re not even a Screwy Squirrel.

My suspicion is that the title card may have been added later, as the sound doesn’t seem to come from the same room the microphone is in, giving it that fresh, cable access quality. It has the scent of repackaging, making its appearance in the collection double repackaging.

We start with a lion sleeping at a desk next to an open window, a brass band playing music that doesn’t necessarily resemble brass instrumentation. While the lion sleeps, his fountain pen dances because, well, as we’ve established, things dance in old cartoons. In the world of old cartoons even the densest of masses would do a little soft shoe if you put on some ragtime.

The pen wakes the lion up with a healthy squirt of ink and he uses his own tongue to clean his face off as though it were a washcloth. I initially screen-captured this moment, but upon looking at the results, it looked visually nonsensical. It looks like he’s vomited in zero gravity.

A janitor at street level is playing his mop like a flute, which enrages the lion for some reason. It takes a few beats for me to put together the visual shorthand going on here. The lion has long, wild hair (as opposed to all the lions with crew cuts), a monocle, and a suit jacket. His anger at amateurish music must mean he’s a conductor. So far the cartoon is making me do a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to characterizing. Hell, the only way we know the character he’s picking on is Toby is by the hat with “Toby” clearly written on the label.

The lion chastises Toby and sends him off on his cleaning duties, which involve mopping a room full of randomly placed statues. This confuses me further. I’m not sure if the lion is really a conductor, or just a snooty guy who hates music. Is it a college? A museum? A gentleman’s club? Gay brothel? Help me out here.

Google Home Business Kit – The Post-Modern Scam

I know this blog is mostly composed of discussions of wacky cartoon reviews, but I feel the need to broaden the focus somewhat as it’s also essentially the blog I put my writing-related links on.

I’m not one of those people like the good folks at snopes.com who spend their time rooting up scams and dishonest practices, but I couldn’t help but notice the pyramid scheme known as The Google Home Business Kit.

Here, have an example website: http://workingg.com/

It’s the same sort of deal you see with pills for sexual virility and most pyramid scams. They make claims about money back guarantees and low entry costs with fine print about massive monthly charges and other chicanery. Anyone like me reads this and immediately suspects something shady. From the people who’ve been tricked I’ve learned that their advice is essentially to create fake blogs and links to help spread the scam. If the pyramid shape is forming in your head then you’re not part of the problem. I’m not here to discuss pyramid schemes or scams directly, but it’s a scam to be sure.

Me being me, I googled it.

The irony is not lost on me. 

The responses are all about scam watches and scam forums, naturally. Here’s the kicker, as evidenced by the second most popular website: http://www.reviewopedia.com/google-home-business-kit.htm

It’s all pretty standard scambuster shenanigans right up until the last bit, where it states, “

If you came to this website because you’re looking for a way to make money online, then check out the method that’s been working for me. It’s 100% beginner friendly and assumes you have no prior knowledge on how to make money online. Just let me know where to send you the info, Click Here.” This Mr. Steve Albright just explained a scam, and then suggests you go to his link and  submit your information, and find the REAL ways to make money on the internet.

I google most things, I’m just curious that way, and when I typed in Steven Albright one of the suggested additions to my search was the word “scam”.

This is the wacky hall of mirrors part for me. Most of the forums I visited explaining the scam have some of these predatory responses. The sad part is most of the responses are not from people who dodged the scam, but people who’d already fallen for it and had to do things like cancelling their credit cards and disputing charges. Theoretically some of these trusting souls could get conned multiple times, only checking the forums after they’ve already been hosed. There’s a reason most smart scambusters close their posts to responses.

Here’s the thing to keep in mind, and I shall add some emphasis for the skimmers:

SCAMMERS CAN GOOGLE THEIR OWN SCAMS!

They can use forums intended to report them and brag about the real profits made, they can send alternate scam links, and they can report modest but still real profits using the system. A part of me has to admire the sheer audacity of sluicing the extremely gullible through multiple tiers of cons.

It reminds me of the pyramid scam the sister of my friend was considering. It basically consisted of paying to enter a system where you give advice to others, that key advice being to join the very same system. I explained that generally honest money is made through the exchange of goods and services, but she kept repeating the sales line. My favorite part was the following Q & A line:

Q: Is this a pyramid scheme?

A: No, it is not.

I’m abbreviating their response, but it starts with that. It’s always best to remind people that the only two honest ways to make tons of money are hard work or dumb luck. There is no reliable, consistent system to make money without work. If you want easy labor, get a part time job working at a dollar movie theater. I did that in high school and it was far less labor intensive than being a con artist.

If you want to make money, you have to work. Otherwise you’re a part of the problem.

Cartoon Hell #25 – “The Crystal Brawl”

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

It's not nice to punch gypsies.

So far I’ve managed to avoid any Popeye cartoon that fit the classical mold, wherein Popeye and Olive decide to do an activity, Bluto woos Olive Oil away, then attempts to rape her, and Popeye commits a grave act of assault and battery usually accompanied by massive damage to public property.

As it stands, I’ve watched one exploring his theme song and one dealing with his wacky nephews, but I think my luck is about to change with “The Crystal Brawl”.

A few moments in we’re already dealing with a fairly typical Popeye setup, wherein he delivers flowers to Olive Oyl. He does a soft shoe and punches the doorbell with his foot to show just how jazzed up with anticipation he is. No more than a few seconds later Bluto is already cock-blocking him, using a tree branch to hook his shirt and fling him away from the building.

“He had a date and he asked me to take you to the fair,” is Bluto’s excuse for showing up in place of Popeye. Olive Oyl being Olive Oyl; she completely believes this. It’s sad that as the only major female figure from the golden  age of cartoons is dumb as a box of rocks that keeps failing it’s G.E.D. exam.

Seeing as this is going to be a clip show compilation of two existing Popeye cartoons, now is as good a time as any to make a few basic Popeye observations so I know not to make them ever again unless the occurrence is unusual in severity:

1.As previously touched on, Olive Oyl is quite possibly the dumbest woman ever written.
2.Olive Oyl is also one of the most sexist caricatures of female behavior.
3.Popeye is clearly codependent for his skinny-armed love interest. Epic poems are fueled by less passion than he has for this stupid, mentally unstable stick figure.
4.Bluto is a rapist.
5.The problem will be solved with extreme violence.

Cartoon Hell #24 – “Little Brown Jug”

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

The big brown jug killed many.

My involuntary response to hearing the phrase, “Little Brown Jug,” is, “Heeheehee, hohoho.” It drives me bat-shit, but it’s the inescapable side effect of being raised around folk music. Since this is another “Sing Song” production I assume it will lull me into believing it’s an ordinary cartoon and end up with a bouncing ball hopping over lyrics. Sneaky devils.

The film starts off near an old saw mill where a procession of beavers bounce what appear to be red balls. I can’t stand to see beavers slacking off when there’s work to be done, it angries me up something fierce. When it’s revealed in a later shot that they’re collecting apples my anger lowers but my confusion increases. Why are beavers collecting fruit? And what does any of this have to do with jugs that are both brown and little?

Truly, unironically unsettling.

When a small beaver can’t manage to slap an apple out of a tree, he decides to get devious about it and returns with a fan. The blast of air reveals the tree’s hideous, weathered Ent-Face, and he drops apples as he hugs himself for warmth. His craggy face is now burned into the back of my brain. It really was needlessly creepy.

Cartoon Hell #23 – “Crazytown”

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

Because Schizophrenaport was taken.

As a warning, this is in no way a discussion of the one-hit-wonder Crazytown, or their song, “Butterfly”. For that there’s no better explanation of their fall from grace than to look up, “Hurt You So Bad” on Youtube. I’m half tempted to start quoting lyrics, but that would be a digression on top of a digression.

Crazy is a troublesome adjective. Normally when anyone refers to themselves as “crazy” it’s really just affectation code for “annoying”.

Whoa ho, they're all on goofballs!

The first shot of Crazytown plays to my suspicions. The sight of people walking on the streets and cars driving on the sidewalk screams, “Oh my, how harmlessly zany!” I fear the levels of wackiness will only increase.

Cartoon Hell #22 – “Professor Yaya’s Memoirs”

Cartoon Hell is TheKarpuk’s attempt to review every single installment in an awful $5 collection called “150 Classic Cartoons” purchased at his local Wal-Mart. Your prayers are welcome.

No, it is not a sisterhood of any sort.

That’s right, we’re moving on from obscure shit like Popeye and Betty Boop to the real stars of yesteryear. That’s right, the Hoffnung!

Yeah, I hadn’t heard of them previously either. The instrument wearing the hat who introduces the cartoon didn’t jog my memory. According to the title card they are, “Based on Books,” which is pretty awesome. I like books, heck I have a Goodreads account and I’m one of the five people that actually write reviews there. It’s literary grounding assures us of a superior viewing experience.

This sexy action-packed excitement can all be yours!

It begins the way all fast-paced cartoons should begin, with an old man napping peacefully. The action heats up when the old man receives a note. A simple card states, “Happy Birthday, The Family.” It’s good to establish the mafia connections up front.